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Since Sex and The City, two generations have grown up with freer access to porn; the internet has caused a complete shift in the ways we meet for sex and for dating; and how we understand sex, desire, intimacy, potential, and love has shifted irrevocably as a result of various socio-political movements. Today Gen Z is having less sex than ever; Me Too has changed what sex means; millennials are opting for marriage more than the generation above them—and yet, Good Sex is still elusive. And so if Carrie’s column was about finding love and having sex in Manhattan, let this column be about finding good love and having good sex anywhere in the world. Welcome to Good Sex in Any City. Still traumatized from Jair Messias Bolsonaro’s unthinkable 2018 victory, we considered riding out Sunday’s election at home—like Buddhist monks—quietly meditating on his defeat. But it was too much pressure, so instead we grabbed some candles and headed to a party in Santa Teresa, a bohemian neighborhood in Rio, to gather. During the long hours it took to count the votes across the continental Brazilian territory, I saw friends guzzling beer, eyes glued to their phones. Others were praying for divine intervention. We had already witnessed a Bolsonaro presidency, and the mood in Rio had become despondent, like a dark cloud covering the sun. With historic levels of inequality, thousands of homeless people—often families with young children—were constantly begging in the streets. Open expressions of hatred and intolerance towards Black people, LGBTQ+ individuals, and anyone wearing red (considered a leftist color) had become the norm. The Amazon continued to burn, and many of us felt ashamed to be Brazilian. We are emotionally drained, like weary soldiers dusting ourselves off in preparation for the next round of assaults.
So I would argue, after fifteen years of field research, that Good Sex without emotion is not possible. This isn’t to say the emotions all have to be good themselves. Yes, love, care, soothing touch, intimacy, connection, can feel good, and can feel healthy, when associated with sex. But even complicated emotions are important to access during sex, whether it’s delving the depths of your own shame, whether it’s about making you feel really really hot, whether it’s about gaining pleasure in a completely selfish way mutually agreed upon, even silently, with the person whom you’re fucking that day. Good sex should have some sort of feeling. Good sex should not not be numb.And what strikes me when we talk about sex today, in a world with such an emphasis on self-pleasure and self-care, is that we are often talking about whether we are having sex, who we are having sex with, how many times a week our coupled up friends are doing it. But we aren’t often talking about how to have good sex with another person. At best we’ll say: Was it hot? But we won’t talk about how really good sex takes work: emotional work, intellectual work, physical work.
So what about the other part of the question, the emotionless bit? Is it possible to have sex without emotion, like the truly legendary Samantha Jones does in the middle of broker and renowned hot bachelor Capote Duncan’s loft apartment? I don’t know if it is. I’ve tried, and I thought for a really long time that I was succeeding in fucking for fucking’s sake. I had sex with an endless array of men—at hookups, in bathhouses, in club backrooms, even with exes for whom I felt very little. But, after lots of reading and some good therapy, I started to understand that annexing your own wants and needs, that numbing out your emotion, in order to tell the story of the sex you’re having, or chase an external validation, might feel like nothing in the moment. But over time it leaves you feeling detached, and somewhat disconnected from your own sense of what makes you desirable, and what brings you pleasure. I had said yes too many times, unable to sense when my body felt like saying no. I had said yes too many times, confusing good sex with good stories that would impress my peers.
Product detail for this product:
Suitable for Women/Men/Girl/Boy, Fashion 3D digital print drawstring hoodies, long sleeve with big pocket front. It’s a good gift for birthday/Christmas and so on, The real color of the item may be slightly different from the pictures shown on website caused by many factors such as brightness of your monitor and light brightness, The print on the item might be slightly different from pictures for different batch productions, There may be 1-2 cm deviation in different sizes, locations, and stretch of fabrics. Size chart is for reference only, there may be a little difference with what you get.
- Material Type: 35% Cotton – 65% Polyester
- Soft material feels great on your skin and very light
- Features pronounced sleeve cuffs, prominent waistband hem and kangaroo pocket fringes
- Taped neck and shoulders for comfort and style
- Print: Dye-sublimation printing, colors won’t fade or peel
- Wash Care: Recommendation Wash it by hand in below 30-degree water, hang to dry in shade, prohibit bleaching, Low Iron if Necessary
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